Champion News

CHAMPION COMMUNITY NEWS—April 7, 2008

        There is a rumor in Champion that dogwoods are blooming!  By the time this goes to ink it may be so in a widespread way.  May Apples are up two or three inches high and mushroom hunters have begun to gather ticks already.  There is a great rivalry to claim the first and most of anything among Champions.  They can’t help it.

        All over this part of the country the forsythia is in full bloom.  There are many beautiful examples of it but perhaps none so lovely as the one in Louise and Wilburn’s front yard.  It is not as large as some, but for overall beauty it is without compare.  It is so wonderfully symmetrical and each blossom seems especially large and well formed.  The branches all spring from a center core and arch themselves upward and outward like a mellifluous gilded fountain.  The open spaces uniformly highlight the perfection of each flowered bow.  Like Louise and Wilburn, it is a Champion!

        An unprecedented amount of mail has come in regarding the word ‘potentiometer.’  One comes from Kenneth Henson who says, “I must have missed something in your April Fools jokes.  Getting to believe there is a word ‘potentiometer’ is baffling to me.  That is a very common word in the field of electrical work.  Was it a play on words and I didn’t get it?”  Another says, “The potentiometer is the gizmo that dangles down in your gas tank.  It’s got a wire on it that goes up to your gas gauge to tell you how much fuel you have.”  Electronics Wizard, Gary Proctor, says that it is a ‘variable resistor’ and some of the various applications of the device include its use in tuning the CB radio and volume control on anything that has volume to control.  Someone else chimed in about the speed control (the foot feed on the sewing machine) or light level (dimmer switches).  “As potential means what is ‘possible’ as opposed to ‘actual,’ the meter that measures that in the human being would no doubt register surprising results.  What a useful tool that could be!”  This comes from a skeptical Champion who routinely sees room for improvement in others and is ever-willing to guide them to betterment.  (There’s one in every crowd.)  Meanwhile, the dictionary says that it is “an instrument for measuring electromotive force.”  No dearth of information, nor surfeit of it, including proof, convinces the skeptic who still thinks the word is absurd.

        An e-mail has arrived from the Daughter of Grace in response to the proposed community mass dog killing.  Her resident Curmudgeon proposes a DogGone business which carries the motto ‘Have Gun~Will Travel’ and a stipulation for a discount to customers who provide their own disposal.  He is, of course, not serious but at least he is willing to put some thought to a serious problem.  Meanwhile, Mrs. Graham reports that the beautiful little hound dog has found a good home.  No sooner was she gone than another dog arrived.  This one Mrs. Graham is calling ‘Little Joe.’  He looks like a pure bread German Shepherd and is a puppy who has tripled his weight in the short time he has been at her house.  He has a beautiful black saddle and a tawny mussel—“He’s a gorgeous dog,” she says and she thinks that he will be big—“over seventy-five pounds,” she estimates, when he’s grown.  He will sit for her already, “doesn’t stay long yet,” but is an intelligent dog with a great appetite.  Anyone interested in adopting such a lovely pet can inquire for Mrs. Graham at Henson’s Store in Champion.

        “Old Mr. Johnson had troubles of his own.  He had a yellow cat that wouldn’t leave his home.”  In this song with a hundred verses or more, Mr. Johnson tries everything to get rid of the cat.  “But the cat came back.  The very next day…”  An anonymous letter written in a lovely hand arrived in the Champion Items mail box:  “Greetings to the Grandmother who isn’t sure if she likes cats or not.  Please take no offense from this letter or the quotes enclosed.  I enjoy reading your column and was amused by the Granddaughter asking  you not to strangle the frogs.”  She goes on to extol the virtues of frogs and toads and black crickets (not brown ones) and includes quite a number of famous quotes about cats.  American cartoonist, Jim Davis said, “Way down deep, we’re all motivated by the same urges.  Cats have the courage to live by them.”  Mark Twain said, “One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.”  A conversation with the Grandmother in question reveals that she is sure that she doesn’t like cats, but she is trying to set a good example.  The writer of this charming letter says that she “loves and respects all of God’s creatures.”  That is certainly a good example for all Champions.

        A soldier from Orrick is one of the latest Missourians killed in Iraq.  Staff Sergeant Jerald Whisenhunt of Orrick is one of four soldiers killed when their vehicle hit a homemade bomb in the road near Taaji.  He was 32 and had been in the Army since 2000.  He was a member of Stryker Brigade Combat team based at Schofield Barracks, Hawaii.  Champions extend Love and Gratitude to all the U.S. Service Personnel doing what their Nation requires of them.

        Deer need to be careful when crossing the road in the Champion area.  Champions love deer and don’t really go hunting them with school buses but sometimes accidents happen.  Two with one blow is not such a rarity in these parts as those who know Charlee Smith can attest, but she was using a rifle and will state that her double kill last year was a fluke.  Each of the two deer hit by the school bus on Friday last was pregnant with twins, so that is six deer with one blow—certainly a record, if a sad one.  A Champion contacted the Missouri Conservation Department to get permission to butcher the deer for his dogs and the fetal deer were discovered.  One had two bucks and the other mother carried a buck and a doe.  Sad things happen.  Fortunately no one on the school bus was injured, though they have had a life experience that none will forget.

        Linda’s almanac from over at the Plant Place in Norwood says that it will be a very advantageous time from the 12^th through the 14^th to plant any crops that bear yield above the ground. The 10^th & 11^th are poor days for planting as are the 15^th– to the 19^th.  Then the signs change and it will be time to plat root crops again.  Time certainly is flying by!  Linda’s Cole crops are really pretty and that ‘Pacman’ variety of broccoli that she grows is a proven winner even for armature gardeners.  People with dirty hands ought to see Charlene there at the Gift Corner.  She has some soap made from emu oil that gets the hands clean and leaves them soft.  One Champion said, “It’s hard to see how you can get something clean with grease!”  It takes all kinds.

        Mrs. Eva Powell, who has an excellent reputation in Champion for decorous behavior, wishes to assure her daughters-in-law in distant places that the Easter Parade of Champions did indeed happen and was indeed a lovely affair.  While she did not parade, she observed and had only good things to say about it.

        Good things, persistent things, spectacular or symmetrical things can be mailed to Champion Items, Rt. 2, Box 367, Norwood, MO 65717.  E-mail those things or examples of decorous behavior or flukes to Champion News.  Have some cheese-crackers and chocolate milk on the porch of Henson’s Store in the beautiful blooming berg of Champion where they are always looking on the bright side!